Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
