You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
