dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
