He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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