I wish I could punch you in the face.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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