you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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