If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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