the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
