I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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