i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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