He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
