It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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