I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
