I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
