Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
