Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
