That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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