6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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