First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
