A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
