i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize