I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
