the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
