I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
