Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
