I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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