You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
