Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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