is your mom at the bar?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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