I haven't been this sober since birth.
i think i have two assholes
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
