I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
