I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
