My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
