Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
