He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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