I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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