I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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