I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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