Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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