Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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