I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
