just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
