he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
