neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
