My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
