sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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