i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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