Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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