Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
