I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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