Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
