i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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