From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i think my cat just said my name.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
