the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
