i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
