she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
