i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
