at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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