i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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