somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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