They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
