Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
