You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
