Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I bet he comes in French.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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