i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
