planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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